Shock And Horror As Mexico’s Eggs Continue To Go Unrefrigerated: Local Gringos Want Answers
MERIDA, MEXICO— Another day has passed and Mexico’s supermarkets still aren’t refrigerating their eggs.
Merida’s Coalition of Concerned American Retirees stormed the halls of the palacio municipal on Monday morning, demanding answers.
“What kind of backwards piss-ant third-world country is this?” Asked one protester.
“Is it true that after the eggs are laid they are loaded into trucks and driven around in circles in the hot sun for two weeks just for fun!?” Asked another.
The meeting of pensioners almost erupted in near-violence when one man called out, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HOW MANY MORE AMERICANS HAVE TO DIE? ISN’T THERE A SINGLE ONE OF YOU LITTLE MEXICANS WHO IS SMART ENOUGH TO FIGURE THIS OUT? HOLA!!! COMPREHENDEMOS MI WORDOS?! FRIO MI HUEVOS POR FAVOR!!!“
The coalition has formed an alliance with other groups of American expats around the world who are calling for refrigeration of their host countries’ eggs. Delegates from other backwards third-world nations where eggs are commonly stored outside of refrigeration, including China, Brazil, Israel, Spain, Austria, The United Kingdom, Australia, France, Switzerland, Germany, Japan, and virtually every other country on Planet Earth, have come out in full force to demand that the rest of the world stop playing fast and loose with the lives of egg-loving Americans living around the globe.
“We understand that the real risk here is salmonella contamination, and that the vast majority of eggs are not contaminated with salmonella, and that cooking either refrigerated or unrefrigerated eggs fully will kill any salmonella present in the eggs, and that even with refrigerated eggs from the United States there is still a chance of contracting salmonella poisoning if the eggs aren’t fully cooked, but WE WANT ANSWERS!!!” cried Elvis Washington-Jefferson, a retired flight attendant living in Tuscany.
“I, for one, will only buy my eggs from Costco,” said Virginia Letterman of Paris. “I know that Costco and Wal-Mart had to recall a half a billion eggs last year, but the refrigerator cases and the familiar American setting give me a warm feeling of comfort and safety, and I like that.”